Mariners get their fannies spanked by Rangers 5-0
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON - APRIL 17: Josh Naylor #12 of the Seattle Mariners is tagged out at home plate by Danny Jansen #9 of the Texas Rangers during the sixth inning at T-Mobile Park on April 17, 2026 in Seattle, Washington. (Photo by Steph Chambers/Getty Images) | Getty Images I have to get this off my chest: the Mariners “fanny pack hat” promotional giveaway item tonight makes absolutely no sense. I get that they’re leaning into the 70s this weekend as part of their 50th anniversary season celebration, with future weekends leaning on the 80s, 90s, and so forth.
But, look, the fanny pack is so called because it is worn on your fanny. When you remove the placement, it ceases to be a fanny pack. What the Mariners have created here instead is simply a hat with a bag on it.
A hat sack. The only way this thing is a fanny pack is if you loop your belt through the snapback and wear it around your waist. But of course, at that point, it has ceased to be a hat, except as a hat for your fanny.
You know, an asshat. Speaking of asshats, the Mariners played nine innings of what can loosely be described as baseball tonight. It didn’t have to be so bad.
With one out in the first, the Mariners loaded the bases on a four-pitch walk to Cal Raleigh, a scorched double from Julio Rodríguez, and a ten-pitch walk—the only thing better than a four-pitch walk—to Josh Naylor. But those runners would be left on those bases, a fact that would haunt the Mariners throughout the rest of the game. The Mariners chased Rangers’ starter Jacob deGrom after just four innings, but then they had to face Gavin Collyer, who looks like he’s going to be a giant problem for the next half-decade, slinging 100-mph heaters out of a funky arm slot.