World Cup winner Kildunne reveals body dysmorphia struggle
England rugby star Ellie Kildunne says she slipped into disordered eating and unhealthy weight loss during the coronavirus lockdown as her competitive instincts and isolation from her team left her feeling vulnerable. The 26-year-old was a figurehead for the Red Roses' World Cup win last year, scoring five tries including a superb solo effort in front of an 82,000-strong sell-out crowd at Allianz Stadium in the final against Canada. However, away from the big stage, clear goals and obvious opposition, Kildunne says she was prey to self-destructive behaviour.
Now she wants to speak out to help others in a similar situation. "Our lives as athletes are surrounded by control - you've got to reach certain metrics on your GPS, you're chasing weights in the gym, you're trying to score the try, the goal, whatever it is," she told BBC Sport. "Once that's taken away from you, I think I just tried to find that sense of control in other places.
" During lockdown, Kildunne was part of Great Britain's sevens squad, training for an Olympic Games which was subsequently postponed until 2021. Without access to a gym and team sessions, and with uncertainty over her playing future, Kildunne focused on running, searching out faster courses to try and improve her times over certain distances. When she couldn't control what she was eating, Kildunne would exercise to compensate, nipping out for runs to 'earn' the meal friends were about to serve her.
"I could probably see myself getting a little bit smaller, but then was still trying to chase being smaller on top of that," Kildunne added. "I wasn't in that team environment with physios all the time, or my team-mates. "And body dysmorphia is such a funny thing, because I would have been small but I would see myself as bigger in the mirror.
"It seems really stupid now, and I look back on it - I don't know why I did it. But I just ended up having a terrible relationship with food. "In the rugby world, I'm considered small, but in my world outside rugby, I was considered big - so I never really had that place where I felt comfortable, that I fit in.