'I thought of jumping from moving car': Sivaramakrishnan on how racism scars led to depression
Former India leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has opened up about a period when he "didn’t want to see himself in the mirror" and felt he "was going to die", describing a breakdown during his time as a commentator that he links to years of racism and colour-based remarks. Sivaramakrishnan, who played 25 international matches for India in a five-year career, said the struggles became severe during the IPL held in the UAE during the Covid-19 lockdown. “I was down completely and I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror.
I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I could not bear anything. Whenever I was awake, I thought I was going to die. ” He described how his routine collapsed during that phase.
He would shut himself indoors and lose track of time. “Sometimes when we were travelling in Dubai, there’s no speed limit. If the vehicle went very fast, something in my mind would tell me to just open the door and jump out.
Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly," the former India spinner said while talking to Indian Express. Sleep became difficult, with recurring hallucinations. “You close your eyes, you see images that you can’t imagine.
All very frightening. You open your eyes, there’s nothing. But you’re so tired that you want to sleep.