Yankees Dominate Spooky Spider Derby in Thrilling Victory
PORT CHARLOTTE, Fla. — The next time Cam Schlittler’s spidey-sense starts tingling, the Yankees starter should have a handy tool at his disposal. That’s because PETA — yes, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals — said Tuesday that it is “rushing” a shipment of humane bug catchers to the Bombers “to ensure that any future arachnid guests can be escorted outside safely and compassionately.
” The very real announcement follows a March 15 incident in which a “bugged out” Schlittler needed a Yankees security guard to extract a spider from his locker at George M. Steinbrenner Field. “Spiders have a lot more to fear from us than we do from them, so the least we can do is show them a little kindness and consideration,” PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk said in a press release.
“PETA’s humane bug catcher makes relocating spiders a snap — no squishing, screaming, or security detail required — and we hope this useful device brings the Yankees’ pitcher some relief. ” With the Yankees and Schlittler now caught in PETA’s web, the New York Daily News asked Schlittler if he had any comment on the serious statement issued by the non-profit. “Spiders are just an ick,” the 25-year-old replied.
“Tell them to send me some [spider] equipment. ” Schlittler, who stands 6-6 and can throw 100 mph but needed help with an itsy-bitsy spider, also said that he would be brave enough to use PETA’s creepy crawly catchers should another eight-legged invader end up in his locker. Fortunately for Schlittler, PETA included some tips that could help him avoid such a scenario, including the use of peppermint oil and other humane deterrents.
The organization’s statement added “that spiders – who are essential members of their ecosystem, communicate in interesting ways, and spin some of nature’s most astonishing architecture – almost never bite humans, and even when they do, the vast majority pose no health risk. ”